It’s late. You’re getting ready for bed, winding down for the night. Your teen went to bed hours ago, and you thought they were asleep. But then—they come into your and room and say, “Mom? I think I made a big mistake.”
Your stomach drops; your heart stops dead. Your brain starts spinning with all the possible things that could have happened, the implications and the ways to figure out each different problem—all at once.
Every parent will tell you they would 100% choose that feeling of panic rather than have their child feel like they have to handle problems and mistakes alone.
But how do you get there? How do you set up a family culture valuing honesty, support and unconditional love?
It’s not easy, and it starts young — but the absolute most critical part is how you as the parent, who is also human with a lifetime of your own triggers and issues, respond.
Honesty as a family value
As early as possible (whether it’s at birth, toddlerhood, or, if you’re reading this and have an older child or teen) start having blunt, straightforward conversations on how important honesty is—but NOT in response to a lie. The conversations need to be little snippets about how telling the truth (the full truth—not just leaving out information) is the foundation of building trust in relationships. It’s how a child can show they’re responsible to their parents, their teachers, their friends.
More important than saying the words, parents need to model honesty. I’m not saying tell your kids every single thing all the time (that’s damaging in a different way). You as the parent need to know how to weigh what’s developmentally appropriate, how much to share, in which way to share, etc. Have boundaries--and be honest about them. It’s totally fine to say, I don’t know how to answer that right now, I’ll get back to you on that, etc. (then actually get back to them on it). Say what you mean, and follow through on what you say you’ll do—that’s honesty too. This can be especially hard for some neurodivergent parents. If you find yourself flat out forgetting things you promise (either because ADHD or parent-brain, or any other reason), get help to create systems to put in place and be honest with your kids about why things are forgotten. They can understand more than you think.
Never a problem or mistake too big to solve
Start these conversations before they have to start making choices that have far reaching impacts, before they’re driving, before they have internet access, before any of that. And if you’re already here with a teen, start now. I mean right now. Today. Ask about times they’ve heard about friends making big mistakes—sending nudes, hiding someone’s vape in their locker, side swiping a car while driving, drinking too much at homecoming, cheating on a test, anything.
As they get older, kids and teens can and will panic if they get in a bind. Someone might threaten them that their life will be ruined if they don’t xyz (usually related to sextortion type stuff). They might hit a mailbox or another car and drive away in a panic instead of stopping to take care of it. Teens can make impulsive (and sometimes, devastatingly permanent—looking at the rate of suicide following sextortion cases here) decisions when panicked. Make sure they know and have always known that they can come to you for help, no matter what. Make sure they know there is absolutely no problem or mistake that they have to handle alone.
Manage yourself
Control your reactions. This is not negotiable. This means not yelling, flipping out, dissolving into an anxious puddle, none of that. Yes, I know it’s incredibly difficult to do, and that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It’s absolutely ok to tell them that you’re taking time to think how to respond, that you need time to settle your nervous system and you’re proud of them for coming to you. That they’re not alone, but you do need a few minutes to handle yourself before being able to help them. Practice with them before it’s needed, by telling them they can always start with “I’m worried about how you might react…” — it tends to help them start the conversation when they don’t know how to say the things. Bonus — it gives you a few precious seconds to lock it down and be the adult your kid needs you to be.
If you find you absolutely cannot. Cannot stay calm, collected, grounded. It’s ok, breathe — you’re not doomed. You do need to find yourself a therapist ASAP though so you can work through your humanness, your baggage, your history so that you can break the cycle and support your kid.
Give options
Not every human is great at face-to-face conversations. Even more so when it’s a hard conversation. Give plenty of options: have a conversation while walking side by side, they can text you, write it down, leave a note on your bed, use whiteboards, draw it out, act it out with toys, literally any which way that works best for them. Do not force them to share information, especially mistakes, in a way that you prefer but doesn’t work for them.
Don’t assume
It’s makes an ass of you and me, right? Don’t be the ass in your parent-child relationship. When your kid comes to you with a problem or a mistake, never assume they want your help to fix it. They absolutely don’t want your lecture, so hold onto that one. You can instill your infinite knowledge at a later time. In the moment, ask what they need from you — for you just to listen and support them, help figuring out the steps that they can solve it themselves, help taking care of the problem on their behalf? Much of that will also depend on the age, personality, competency, confidence, etc. of the child and the severity of the mistake.
Ask them what they’ve tried so far, what their other ideas are. What their end goal is/how they envision things being after the mistake is taken care of. Your job is to gently guide and coach them in figuring out problems rather than fixing it for them.
There are always exceptions, of course. Things that involve immediate safety, severe/chronic bullying, sextortion, any kind of abuse, intimate partner violence, etc. all require different levels of intervention and help.